The Halloween Wake

My mother is eighty years old, and over the last ten years she’s become a bit eccentric. When I receive a phone call, I never really know what to expect. On this occasion, her cousin David passed away. She asked me to drive her to the wake. The timing was a bit strange, because it was Halloween. The idea of attending a wake on Halloween felt kind of creepy. My mother said she was close to him, so I would have to go regardless of superstition. I arrived at my mother’s house a few hours early. She doesn’t like to be late for anything. If I hadn’t, she would’ve called me a hundred times. I pulled into the drive way and she was already standing outside waiting.

“Why in the hell are you late?”

“Mom, I’m three hours early. We don’t need to be at the funeral home until seven.”

“Then why the hell are you here so early?”

“Lets go inside, Mom.”

“Alright, I need you to fix my heat anyway.”

“What’s wrong with your heat?”

"Come in, and I'll show you what’s wrong.”

“Oh my God, Mom it’s a hundred degrees in here.”

“The heat wont go on, it's freezing.”

“Mom, the heat is on. The thermostat reads ninety two degrees.”

“I’m cold.”

“Mom, your cat is lying in the corner with smoke rising from its fur. I’m going to have to put a regulator on this before you roast yourself to death.”

“I need you to do something with the floor in my bathroom.”

“What’s wrong with the floor?”

“It’s crooked, and I can’t crap.”

“It’s always been crooked. This is an old house.”

“It’s crooked and I can’t crap. I don’t know the science behind it. I just need you to straighten the floor so I can crap again.”

“ I don’t even know how to answer that. Hey… why is there a baloney sandwich floating in the fish tank?”

“I was feeding the fish.”

“You can’t feed the fish baloney.”

“I couldn’t finish it, and I didn’t want to waste it.”

“No wonder your fish are dying. Speaking of dead, what did cousin Dave die from?”

“A bungee jumping accident.”

“What?”

“He was ninety-two years old, what the hell do you think? At that age you can die from a hangnail.”

The time painfully crept by. She finally got herself dressed in her funeral garb. My mother always wears the same outfit every time someone dies. It’s a long black dress with a black hat. She tops it off with an old blonde wig from the fifties. Between the black dress and yellow sticking out of her hat, she looked like a grilled cheese sandwich. I helped her into the car, and pulled out onto Main Street. Driving my mother anyplace is always a stressful endeavor.

“Look at how these kids dress now, its ridiculous.”

“It's Halloween, Mom those are costumes.”

“It's Halloween?”

“Yes, I told you that earlier when you called.”

“Damn, I didn’t get any candy. Oh the hell with it, I’ll just do what I did last year.”

“What’s that?”

“When they ring the doorbell, I put my false teeth in backwards. It scares the hell out of them.”

“When did you get this mean streak?”

“That reminds me, that little bastard across the street is selling cocaine in front of my yard.”

“Mom, you wouldn’t know what cocaine looks like, even if I showed you. Besides, the kid across the street is only seven years old.”

“I watch him everyday. He’s out there handing something to the other kids. He’s up to no good.”

We finally pulled into St. Johns funeral home. My mother immediately put on her social face. You see my mother loves wakes and funerals. It’s like a family reunion to her. As soon as she entered the funeral home she began gabbing with everyone. I signed us in, and headed toward the casket to give my respects. That’s when I noticed that cousin Dave was dressed up like a circus clown.

“Mom, why is cousin Dave dressed up like a clown?”

“How the hell do I know? I haven’t seen him in over fifty years.”

“Wait a minute, I thought you said you were close to him?”

“I said I’d drink a toast to him. They always serve drinks after these things.”

“Mom, are you telling me you dragged me out here just to get free drinks?”

“Why not? It's better than sitting home watching Jeopardy.”

We sat down in the fifth row, and Father came to the podium and began giving a eulogy.

“Nathaniel Belfrey was a good man. He dedicated his life to making children happy. Most of us knew him as Mr. Peepers.”

“Mom, did I just hear him say Nathaniel Belfrey?”

“No he said Mr. Peckers.”

“No, he said his real name was National Belfry, his clown name is Mr. Peepers. Mom… what funeral home did the newspaper list?”

“Hold on, I have it here. Montgomery’s Funeral home.”

“Mom, this is St. Johns. You told me St. Johns. Oh my God, we’re at a strange man's wake. We have to leave right now.”

“No. It’s too late now, Lily and her husband invited us over for cheese cake afterwards.”

“Mom, you don’t know these people.”

“So... they think I’m related. I’m an old person. We all have blue hair and wrinkles. It’s like trying to distinguish between two penguins. Besides, it's Halloween. If I want to go as Mr. Peckers cousin, what’s the harm?”

“What about cousin Dave?”

“The hell with him. He’s dead anyway. It's not like he’s going to know we didn’t show up.”